If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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