I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You can't just leave with hair like that
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
