He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
