I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
