just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
