i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
