i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
