Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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