last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
