the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
