but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
