pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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