If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
