im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
