is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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