did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
