she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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