Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
