I have demons in me.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
