Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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