I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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