I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
