My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
