Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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