Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
whose parrot is this?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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