see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
