Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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