I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
