It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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