At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
