so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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