Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
