all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
