hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
