I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
