Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
