i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
