The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
