i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
