I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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