in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
