I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
