At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
