Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
