I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
