"it" just moved
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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