hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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