I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
