Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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