Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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